Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 8

My wife left two days later while I was at work. She took the kids, the dogs, the cats, the fish, but she left her cellphone. I got the hint.
I didn't blame her, after that night she made me explain what was going on. Needless to say she was less than thrilled at my being drafted into an ultimate battle between light and dark. So I really didn't blame her for leaving.
I then proceeded to do what any good viking would do, I drank. A lot. I took a leave of absence from work and drank for two months straight.
My hair and beard went to shit, both needing attention before she left now resembled Rip Van Winkle waking up. Since I no longer left the house my wardrobe consisted of basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt with stains of dubious origin.
In the beginning Karl would stop by and drink every day, then every week. Now I hadn't seen him in over two weeks. I was lieing on the floor, one leg still on couch, watching Deadpool for the six hundredth time when my front door exploded.
I looked up in my drunken stupor and for a second I could have sworn Colossus had just smashed in my door. At this point my cellphone also began ringing from. Somewhere, I didn't look at it much anymore.
"What the fuck?" I slurred so badly it came out as "wash your foot."
What I had thought was the X-man Colossus was actually just a very large man, with a bald head and no eyebrows, which was disturbing to say the least. This man was was also very pissed off, which became obvious when he picked me up and threw me out of the living room and into the kitchen. By one leg.
I slammed hard into the cupboards, breaking two of them before also slamming into the floor. Which oddly was where my cellphone also happened to be, I was about to pick it up and see who was calling when my sofa followed me into the kitchen. Thankfully the small gap between counter and island prevented the heavy as sofa from landing directly on me.
I made a mental note to buy a lighter sofa next time and did my best to squirm out from under the sofa/counter tent. This placed me directly under the giants foot, not a good place to be, so I slid back under the sofa, a giant, sandaled foot smashing the floor where my head had just been.
I was in the process of wondering how odd it was he would wear sandals, adrenaline clearing the liquor induced haze, when my sofa shield was lifted away. As the sofa was lifted high into the air I realized my initial identification of Colossus hadn't actually been too far off.
"Fuck me." No more slurring.
I was staring at the toga wearing... Okay it was more like a scarf, he wasn't wearing anything but sandals and a scarf. Pointy crowned, how I had missed that I'll never know. Dick wagging, Colussus of Fucking Rhodes.
I had a few seconds to ponder why the living embodment of a statue of the God of light was trying to kill me with a sofa. At this point I realized nothing in my life made sense anymore and I rolled forward, diving for the gap between his massive legs.
Now as I have pointed out before I am a big guy, so is the Colossus. Unfortunately as the sofa came down behind me, my drunken agility dove short and I inadvertently headbutted the Colussus in the balls. As I immediately begin wondering if I'd have time to shower before I died he started roaring in pain.
I took this as the only opportunity I was going to get and began stumble running for my bedroom door, where the shower was... Also you know, my weapons. I almost made it too.