Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 11

In the bathroom I made the horrific discovery that my hair had been turned from its reddish, brownish, blondish colour to completely sun bleached blonde. A quick check of my still black eyebrows and red beard told me that it hadn't been the explosion but was in fact the contact with Sun God balls.
I undressed and got into the shower, observing the severe bruising starting to develop over good chunks of my body. It's not like the movies, you can't get tossed around by a giant without expecting moderate to severe injuries. I stood under the water for longer than necessary but it felt good on my aching flesh.
I washed my hair four times, hoping the colour would return. No such luck. The hot water ran out and I shut off the tap.
I grabbed the towel and took a second to look at what remained of my body in the mirror. I was tall, over six foot, and bulky tipping the scale at over 250 lbs but very little manifested as fat. My skin tone could be described as Irish, impossible to tan, except now it was spotted with purple and green bruises like some acid trip version of camouflage.
I got dressed, putting on boxers and socks for the first time in months. A cold dead hands t-shirt and multicam pants covering most of the bruises that had already begun to throb.
I combed out my beard and brushed my hair into a messy ponytail. I almost looked human again, didn't even recognize myself in the mirror, though the white hair may have been a contributing factor.
I returned to the living room just in time to watch the Freyr fall from the roof thumping loudly to the floor.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me my hair was white?"
"Figured you knew, or you'd freak out."
"Fuck you."
"Just like that. You ready to go? Green dude says we gotta get moving fast."
It suddenly realised Billy Dee Yoda had disappeared again, big surprise.
"Fine, but we're taking my Jeep."
Karl's wrangler was really cool looking and great off road but it had shit for storage and terrible gas mileage. My Grand Cherokee wasn't meant for offroad but on the highway it was comfy, loaded, and could go forever on a tank of gas.
Karl nodded and went off to transfer his stuff from his Jeep to mine. I went back and started packing. This consisted of a rain jacket, two more pairs of camo pants, a handful of underwear and socks, extra knives, extra axes, and all my guns and ammo. Now I'm not some crazy prepper by any means but I have more than most to say the least.
In ten minutes the back of the Grand Cherokee was loaded with all our stuff and I was backing out of the driveway. Karl looked longingly at his Jeep and I said a silent goodbye to my life and my past.
We stopped at the gas station and filled up, as well as grabbing snacks and Mountain Dew Kickstart, which for those who don't know is a grape flavoured energy drink that I have a fondness for.
Two hours later as the Jeep cruised down the highway loaded for war, my bladder rapidly filling with caffeinated urine, Karl finally spoke.
"You still wearing your wedding ring buddy."
I fingered the big steel loop on my left ring finger. "It took you two hours to say that?"
"Seemed like a more dramatic thing to do."
"You make my head hurt sometimes."
"So you never told me what happened that night, the night the killer was in your house."
I hadn't actually, I had not spoken of it since that night. But, I figured since there was a few more hours to go until we got somewhere now was as good a time as any.
Right, so I explained the taste of blood drives me insane. Anyway, in my rage I  screamed enough and grabbed the killer's wrists, squeezing hard enough to feel bones grinding unnaturally. With no facial features it was hard to tell what the bastard was thinking but my guess was shock.
It was definitely shock when I simultaneously pulled his face down and threw my head forward, the arch of my forehead impacting his lip less smile. I felt several of them shatter as warm blood flowed from my forehead.
Taking advantage before I could get punch drunk I rolled us over until my bulk pinned the creepy fucker to the floor. Then I drove my thumbs into his lid less eyes, unprotected they were easily punctured, he screamed, it felt good.
Then I saw it, the Freyr, only a few inches away. I pinned his head with a hand on the throat and grabbed the axe. Because of the awkward angle the hit bisected his face at a forty-five degree angle, he stopped struggling.
I turned to find my wife behind me, staring on in horror, blood stinging my left eye i stood up, she took a step back.
After I disposed of the body she made me tell her what was going on, I did. She nodded with understanding and two days later she was gone. I didn't blame her.

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 10

Apparently when you shoot the embodiement of the Greek sun God in the head he explodes in a blinding flash of light. Who knew right? Luckily my propensity for blinking when I fired the 4570 saved me from probable permanent blindness but I still felt it through my eyelids and spent a good fem minutes blinking away stars.
Karl was fine because he ran out the front door lest I actually shoot him the second time. So here I was deaf, blind, and still a little drunk with the cops most definitely on the way. My house destroyed. Even in a trailer park all the shooting and destruction would have attracted attention.
That was when the little, green troll who ruined my life showed up. At the same time sirens and screeching tires announced the arrival of the police.
He smiled a little smile, waved and calmly strode out the door.
"This isn't the trailer you're looking for." The first thing I heard as my hearing returned to normal.
This was followed by the sound of departing police cars and then silence. I had been sitting on the floor until this point, stunned by the sun God explosion. Karl was standing next to be looking concerned but as the burlap wearing, pointy eared, little bastard strode back inside I was up and stomping towards him.
"You fucked up my..." I didn't finish the sentence because he tapped my leg with his stick and I found myself on my back, on the floor.
Hey, that's where my axe went.
The Freyr had embedded itself in the ceiling. I looked over to find Billy Dee Yoda sitting on my desk, chuckling at me.
"Karl, kill him."
"Fuck that, I don't wanna end up like you."
"Goddamn it, Karl."
"That was some crazy shit, I thought you guys were done for. Good thing, Karl showed up when he did." He winked much like he blinked, long and slow.
"Come to think of it, why did you show up Karl?" My limbs were frozen, and I still needed to wash giant ball sweat off my head.
"You texted me, saying there would be pizza, where is the pizza anyways?"
"What? I didn't and there's no..." I was once again cut off when a Skip the Dishes driver stepped through the hole there my door was carrying several pizzas.
"Don't worry my man, I got this." The little guy waved to the delivery person who put the pizzas on the floor and left, "now, if I let you up you promise not to kill me?"
"whatever, then maybe you can, explain why a sun God just trashed my house and tried to kill me."
I suddenly regained control of my limbs, Karl had found some plates that weren't smashed so the three of us sat on my living room floor and ate pizza. The pizza was actually pretty good and by my third slice my head was starting to clear.
"So why was the Colussus of Rhodes trying to kill me and my house?"
"Did you think all the Fears were going to be shadowy figures hiding in the dark?" This came out between chews of a comically big peice of pizza.
"Well, you're the one going on about the light versus the darkness?"
"I just like the Star Wars theme, humans have as much to fear in the day as they do at night now. The Colussus was the fear of being yourself and the fear of being exposed."
"Poignant." I sighed taking another bite, "so, what next?"
"Well I think it's time for you to leave."
"Leave?"
"You didn't think the ultimate battle of light versus dark was going to happen exclusively in your home town did you?"
"Well kind of, gas is expensive."
"You need to find the others because the dark side is growing, and they are gunning for you and without help you're done for." His three fingered hand daintily wiped sauce from his chin.
"Well, first I need a shower, I have colussus sweat in my hair."
"Hurry up then. Pack everything you think you'll need, then unpack and pack it again."
"I'm already packed." Karl had eaten an entire pizza to himself and was now smoking in my house.
"Why are you already packed?"
"You said we were going on a trip, I got excited."
I glared over at Billy and stood up, "give me thirty minutes and we'll hit the road."

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 9

The chair the giant threw was faster, luckily I'm cheap and the chair was made out of press board, so it shattered. It also pushed me into the bedroom door, okay, through the door. Damn, everything is my house was flimsy.
This was further proven when I turned around to see my kitchen table soaring towards me, only to explode harmlessly against the door frame. Inches from my face, peppering me with bits of wood and glue. I kicked the door shut and tipped over a dresser to brace it, just as two more chairs hit the flimsy, practically cardboard door.
I dashed to the gun safe that I had stopped locking after my wife left, no kids and I didn't leave the house after all. I picked up the Mare's Leg, then considered what my target was and put the little gun back. I looked at all my large caliber guns, no ar15s, because Canada.
I finally decided on my biggest cartridge, the Henry 4570, not a very big rifle but it fired a very big bullet. Now on the next problem, the ammo was in the laundry room, between me and the Colussus but still very much out reach.
So held the rifle in my left, grabbed the Freyr with my right and got ready to fight. I had just kicked the dresser away when I heard a voice.
"Holy shit, you are big... Holy shit, that's big." followed by the distinctive sound of several small caliber pistol rounds being fired.
I flung the bedroom door open, it promptly came of the hinges and fell to the floor. Karl was standing in my front door, Glock pistol in hand, getting to fire again. The giant was quickly bearing down on him, I considered my options and threw the axe, catching the Colossus in the left shoulder. He roared again.
The giant spun on me and I ducked into the laundry room, but not before I noticed the purple shade his testicles had become. Karl fired again.
"Don't hit my axe!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Don't tell me what to do!"
See the problem with the 9mm is they aren't much bigger or faster than a 22, and the giant looked to be almost eight feet of chiseled, muscled statue. The little rounds only seemed to be pissing him off if anything.
I found the box of 4570 and opened it to find three unspent rounds.
"Fuck."
I loaded one in the chamber and dropped the other two into the magazine tube. I heard the sound of a trigger clicking on nothing, followed by the snickt thump of a mag drop. Times up.
I stepped out of the laundry room, shouldering the rifle as I went. As soon as the Colussus came into the sight I squeezed the trigger. I also blinked, the 4570 kicks like a mule. My vision returned and my hearing left, replaced by excruciating ringing.
I'd hit the giant's right arm, almost tearing it off, the bone shattered and flesh shredded. Karl was staring at a hole in the wall inches away and mouthing something that might have been, "what the fuck."
I levered in the next round, the old cartridge falling soundlessly to the floor, aimed for the head of the Colussus of Rhodes. Squeezed. Blinked.

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 8

My wife left two days later while I was at work. She took the kids, the dogs, the cats, the fish, but she left her cellphone. I got the hint.
I didn't blame her, after that night she made me explain what was going on. Needless to say she was less than thrilled at my being drafted into an ultimate battle between light and dark. So I really didn't blame her for leaving.
I then proceeded to do what any good viking would do, I drank. A lot. I took a leave of absence from work and drank for two months straight.
My hair and beard went to shit, both needing attention before she left now resembled Rip Van Winkle waking up. Since I no longer left the house my wardrobe consisted of basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt with stains of dubious origin.
In the beginning Karl would stop by and drink every day, then every week. Now I hadn't seen him in over two weeks. I was lieing on the floor, one leg still on couch, watching Deadpool for the six hundredth time when my front door exploded.
I looked up in my drunken stupor and for a second I could have sworn Colossus had just smashed in my door. At this point my cellphone also began ringing from. Somewhere, I didn't look at it much anymore.
"What the fuck?" I slurred so badly it came out as "wash your foot."
What I had thought was the X-man Colossus was actually just a very large man, with a bald head and no eyebrows, which was disturbing to say the least. This man was was also very pissed off, which became obvious when he picked me up and threw me out of the living room and into the kitchen. By one leg.
I slammed hard into the cupboards, breaking two of them before also slamming into the floor. Which oddly was where my cellphone also happened to be, I was about to pick it up and see who was calling when my sofa followed me into the kitchen. Thankfully the small gap between counter and island prevented the heavy as sofa from landing directly on me.
I made a mental note to buy a lighter sofa next time and did my best to squirm out from under the sofa/counter tent. This placed me directly under the giants foot, not a good place to be, so I slid back under the sofa, a giant, sandaled foot smashing the floor where my head had just been.
I was in the process of wondering how odd it was he would wear sandals, adrenaline clearing the liquor induced haze, when my sofa shield was lifted away. As the sofa was lifted high into the air I realized my initial identification of Colossus hadn't actually been too far off.
"Fuck me." No more slurring.
I was staring at the toga wearing... Okay it was more like a scarf, he wasn't wearing anything but sandals and a scarf. Pointy crowned, how I had missed that I'll never know. Dick wagging, Colussus of Fucking Rhodes.
I had a few seconds to ponder why the living embodment of a statue of the God of light was trying to kill me with a sofa. At this point I realized nothing in my life made sense anymore and I rolled forward, diving for the gap between his massive legs.
Now as I have pointed out before I am a big guy, so is the Colossus. Unfortunately as the sofa came down behind me, my drunken agility dove short and I inadvertently headbutted the Colussus in the balls. As I immediately begin wondering if I'd have time to shower before I died he started roaring in pain.
I took this as the only opportunity I was going to get and began stumble running for my bedroom door, where the shower was... Also you know, my weapons. I almost made it too.

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 7

"Go to sleep."
I had fallen asleep but at the sound of those words I was up and on my feet in an instant. There were no lights in the house, but a blinking green light told me the front door was now unlocked.
What is it with these assholes and it being fucking dark? I closed my eyes and did my best to listen, silence. Then the smell hit me.
Burnt latex, assaulting my nostrils in that way only burning rubber can. But from where?
I shifted my head slowly, breathing deep, from side to side. There!
It was coming from my bedroom, I charged down the hallway and fling the door open. Turns out this might have been a mistake.
As soon as the door opened banging noisily against the dresser my wife started screaming. This didn't help me as a guy about my height but less bulky speared my midsection, knocking us both to the ground.
As the air left my lungs and my hands reflexively let go of their contents I made a mental note to apologize to Karl, if I lived.
My attacker was now straddling me, pinning me to the floor despite my size advantage and I looked up.
I did my best not to puke immediately. He was dressed in a black outfit but his, I was pretty, sure this one was a him, but his face was, shit, it was horrifying. No hair, no lips, no fucking eyelids, just a Cheshire grin and naked eyeballs. The skin looked like melted rubber had been poured over a human skull.
My horror didn't last long as he immediately started raining down punches like an MMA fighter on speed. I covered my head best I could, most of the hits landing on my arms and shoulders.
One hit snuck through my guard though, catching me in the chin and lower lip. Going between my arms slowed the punch but it still hurt, jamming my teeth into the soft flesh of my mouth.
I saw stars, then as, the coppery taste of blood dripped onto my tongue I saw red.
Time for a little back story, now I'm usually a pretty easy going guy, not a big fighter, preferring to talk my way out of fights if at all possible. But I have this problem. If someone makes my mouth bleed for any reason, I just kind of lose it. Everything goes red and bad things have happened.
It looked like this was going to be one of those times. Blood coating my tongue I let out an inarticulate roar that might have been, "enough!" and grabbed the killer by the wrists.

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 6

The little, green troll dressed in his burlap sack sat on the back of my couch. Stick in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"You got a light my man?"
"Don't smoke in my house, and what are you doing in my house anyways?"
The cigar disappeared, replaced with a pouty look, which was really disturbing on a tiny, green face with too large eyes.
"You haven't really been looking for the others have you?"
"I like to think that night never happened."
"Unfortunately it did my man, and you've attracted some unwanted attention."
"The fuck does that mean?" my whole body tensed of its own accord, the dagger bringing itself up.
"The previous owner of that claw had some friends, and they are pissed that she's dead."
"That thing was a she?"
"That the only thing you heard white boy? The forces of darkness are pissed at you and you're surprised that you killed a girl?"
"Sorry, easily distracted, so what does that mean?"
"They know where you are and they are coming for you, more specifically the Rake's brother is on his way."
"I hate the pronoun game, who is the Rake's brother?"
"Testy much? His name is Jeff the Killer."
"Jeff? That's not exactly terrifying."
"He is the embodiment of every serial killer ever mixed with clowns, and he's headeh your way."
"Clowns, wasn't that already done?"
"You always been an asshole or what?"
"Sorry, I get sarcastic when things get out of my control."
It was this point I got up and checked the front door lock, peering around outside through the glass. My wife and the kids were in bed already, and I probably wasn't going to get any sleep now.
Billy Dee Yoda turned to watch me, his big eyes staring intently, it suddenly occurred to me I had never seen him blink. Almost as if on cue he blinked long and slow, like an old muppet.
"You think that's gonna help my man?"
I grabbed the Freyr off my desk and slid it into my belt, it occurred to me that, I probably needed to clean up since I was, pretty sure there was a keyboard on that desk somewhere.
"I have no idea what's going to help, I got lured into the woods by a Yoda wannabe who sequestered me into an ultimate battle between good and evil."
"Sequestered? That's a big word, well I honestly can't tell you what's going to help anymore than I have."
"Then why are you here?"
"Give you a warning, and remind you of your call to action."
"You're a dick."
He was gone, I checked my phone, it was quarter to midnight. I went through the house one room at a time, checking on my daughter, my son, and my wife in that order.
I grabbed the Mare's Leg out of the safe and settled in on the couch for a long night.
Turns out it wasn't that long.

Karl Dies in this Book: Chapter 5

I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the bright light. I had just adjusted to the light when a figure groaned and sat up. This figure then immediately lit a cigarette.
"Karl!"
"What?"
"I thought a killed you, maybe."
"Well, I am glad, you didn't."
My eyes found the Ka-bar jutting out of the grass, unmoving. I walked over, the Rake was dead, combat knife jutting from between its shoulder blades. I reached down and wrenched the knife free, red blood dripping from the blade.
"Karl, are you injured?"
"Don't think so."
"Then find my damn gun."
I looked down at the creature's lifeless body, all twisted with one arm stuck out haphazardly. My focus moved to the eight inch claw projecting from the index finger. I hacked it off with the axe.
"What are you going to do with that?" Karl walking up, my Mare's Leg in his hand.
"Souvenir?" I was admiring the wicked claw, turning it over in my hand when I spotted the wound it had given me.
You ever hurt a part of yourself but you can't see the extent of the injury so it doesn't really hurt that bad? Well couple that with the adrenaline rush of fight or flight and I had totally forgotten about the injury.
"Fuck me!" I dropped the claw staring at my hand.
"What? Oh shit."
The back of my hand had been skinned, from knuckles to wrist only bone and flesh were visible.
"We need to get going."
I grabbed the claw and took off through the woods. Karl stopped to grab the seven leaf clover left by the green dude.
At the hospital emergency room I explained the injury away as a cooking accident, a really fucked up cooking accident. They bandaged the hand and prescribed me some antibiotics to fight possible infection.
It was almost 2 am by the time I arrived home so I collapsed on the couch and was unconscious before my head hit the armrest.
My wife was an understandable mix of pissed off and concerned in the morning. Making me promise not to do something so crazy again.
For about a month nothing, my hand healed into a hideous scar tissue white, I ignored Karl's phone calls, and not much else happened. I had removed the skin of the Rake's claw, more than a little satisfied at the small revenge, to discover behind the claw a straight, six inch chunk of bone resembling a handle.
I dried the claw, wrapped the bone in paracord and turned it into a neat little dagger, always razor sharp. After that my life returned to normal and I wasn't complaining.
Five weeks after the incident I was alone on my couch, the Rake's claw in one hand and I drink in the other when I heard the voice.
"That was some crazy shit, huh?"
"Fuck me." I sighed and turned to find Billy Dee Yoda sitting next to me.